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“We must accept the lavish gift we have not earned. And the more deeply we receive his gift, the more freely we give it. Once we are filled by forgiveness from God, we know how appropriate it is to offer it to others without them earning it.” (John Kavanaugh, S.J.) Frequently throughout scripture, Jesus’ first gesture with his disciples is to tell them that their sins are forgiven. He seems to know what the alienated heart needs first. Forgiveness prepares the way for healing, for reconciling, for forgiving others. It is the foundation upon which every healthy friendship, marriage and community is built. So willingly we accept forgiveness and the liberation it brings, yet may still carry seeds of resentment in our hearts toward others who have hurt us. It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to give it to others. Yet throughout scripture, Jesus commissions his disciples to be peacemakers, to forgive as our Father does. St. Paul writes, “God has reconciled us to himself through Christ and has given to us the ministry of reconciliation.” (2Cor 5:18). As disciples we are forgiven, then charged with continuing God’s reconciling work with each other. Why, then, do we have such difficulty letting go of past hurts? What are our barriers to forgiving others? The following are some possibilities: *Forgiving would destroy the clear distinctions between good (me) and bad (you), between perpetrator (you) and victim (me), between right (me) and wrong (you). Our black-and-white world now becomes confusing and ambiguous. We may be challenged to take responsibility for a situation that we co-created. *Forgiving forces me to no longer hold the other responsible for my pain, fear and inertia. Taking responsibility for my life, I am forced to confront my own emptiness and longing. I can no longer play the victim, nor create new victims by projecting my pain onto others. With forgiveness, I am responsible for my life, my future and my happiness. *Forgiving no longer allows me to function as an isolated entity. The divisions of relationship that take place in withholding forgiveness allow me to stay separate, insulated – and safe. There, I am relieved of my anxiety and shame and the demands they make upon me. *Forgiving may force me to acknowledge that the qualities I so dislike in another, may also exist in me. I may be forced to acknowledge that I am more like, than different from, the person who hurt me. I may be forced to give up my moral superiority. *By forgiving, I may be asked to condone or accept destructive behavior. I may be expected to put myself in harm’s way again. But forgiveness is not about being blind or stupid. Neither is it about pardoning, excusing, condoning, trivializing or minimizing unacceptable behavior. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the injuring party, especially in cases of extreme violence or harm. Forgiveness means no longer holding another responsible for my pain and fear. Where a reconciliation is appropriate, forgiveness means committing to stay in relationship when we don’t feel like it and “acting as if” until God’s healing power can be experienced. Forgiveness means giving up obsession, hatred, revenge and punishment. It means, as someone once said, giving up all hope of a better past. Forgiveness is for the sake of a future. It is choosing to look beyond the transgression to the inviolable dignity of the other person. Forgiveness is letting go. “We know how appropriate it is to offer it to others without their earning it, . .” Fr. Kavanaugh continues, . . “The apostles, notwithstanding the shame and the fear, finally believed this. All is made right: wounds, loss, confusion. And having tasted the sweet abundant joy, there was no other choice but to shout it to the heavens, to bring it to the nations, to share it with an incredulous world. The fruit of the Resurrection was their community of faith, hope, and love, their church of Jesus’ way. Word eventually got around: ‘see how they love one another.’” +++ |